When I make decision to pursue my studies, it wasn't because I want to be the best paling cerdik paling pandai lebih pada orang. It because I felt like I'm not good enough. I felt like I'm lack of something to offer to the industries. Rasa tak cukup tak layak, tak patut dapat gaji banyak tu bila hanya dapat design seperti itu. It maybe because terpengaruh dengan skill orang lain or in internet that way too far then what I am then. Bila rasa tak dapat deliver dengan puas hati, mine and them. Rasa tak best when the design approved because of terpaksa approve sebab nak pakai cepat. Rasa macam I can be better, I can be better, and I can be better but I need better education.
Aku lemah sikit dengan street smart. Lambat nak move to other silibus to other silibus. Tak reti nak guide belajar sendiri. So I need someone to teach me, what I need to know. Bukan kata tak ada lansung belajar benda baru sepanjang bekerja. Banyak sangat, tapi still rasa tak cukup. Bagi aku street smart and book smart are both important. College will teach you of how they think the industry will be and want and what we can offer, and industry will ask more. From my experience, industry will always ask more.
Masa kerja kan ada ajar how to make research thesis sort of. Memang format thesis tu aku takkan guna pun dalam perkerjaan unless I further to PHD or become a lecturer. Untuk masa sekarang, I'm happy with what I'm doing. Not because the feeling bila orang cakap cantik design kita or bila orang reject design kita, both are okay, but the feeling when you can deliver your best. Feeling yang tak ada regret sebab within the given time, aku dah sedaya upaya buat yang terbaik. That feeling.
Dan betul orang cakap, bila kita dah makin lama makin kerja, gaji bukan perkara pertama yang kita consider to accept a job offer. For me benda first yang aku consider, dan rasa paling puas bekerja adalah what can I offer to the company, dan adakah perkerjaan itu membantu dalam mematangkan skill aku. And alhamdulillah benda2 lain yang selama ni aku pandang besar as main, menjadi faktor yang lebih rendah diconsiderkan. Banyak tukar kerja banyak pengalaman. But I don't recommend or maybe I am. Kerja first dapat bilik kot, makin lama dapat meja sahaja, and now meja cantum2, kongsi 5 6 orang. Bos first baik, makin lama dapat makin haru. The current one cakap tak reti town down. But recently ada dapat interview lain and I had a discussion with my husband, kalau aku dapat kerja tu how and how. Aku cakap, aku seronok je kerja kat company ni, banyak boleh belajar, kalau kerja kat tempat baru, ke arah lain sikit. Rasa macam salah dengar diri sendiri pun ada. Lol. We need different things at different time of my life.
Kat tempat kerja dorang selalu kadang macam tak tau la nganjing ke apa, dia ni ada master tau. Aku macam alaaaa, it's now something yang aku nak lagakkan je. I'm just happy yang having further my studies dah buat aku shift paradigm, pandang lebih jauh lebih dalam, being more matured, tau nak berfikir, gaining confident and sort of benda yang baik2. Ia am so thankful. Alhamdulillah. Sometimes something bad bring to you a better place.
And I wasn't said that orang yang tak sambung belajar ni bodoh ke sort of tak. In fact kalau dia reti absorb surrounding dia, they didn't have to pinjam MARA, contoh, just to gain confident. Cuma kalau rasa tak cukup do further cari ilmu go to short course, It's gonna open your mind. Aku sangat galakkan untuk semua orang sambung belajar sebab kita akan nampak benda lain, dan sangat tak suka dengan mind set yang takyah la sambung belajar membazir masa duit, kerja je la, sebab for me ilmu tu penting. Sebenarnya aku sedih bos aku bagi anak dia jadi bos (meaning pegang satu brand), anak dia tak habis belajar, lepas tu anak dia menyusahkan orang sebab tak pandai, lepas tu macam mana nak jadi bos macam tu, buat rosak company je. KWSP pun tak tau. Mak dia tau anak dia bodoh (pardon my language), tapi mak dia yang cakap takyah sambung belajar, membazir je. Tapi anak dia bodoh sangat. Lepas tu tak nak belajar. Aku stress sebab dia suka susahkan orang lepas tu dia hipokrit. Aku tak suka kenapa aku kena jumpa orang macam tu. But I believe Allah has his plan. Hari tu ada barang tu macam stuck tengah jalan tak sampai dekat customer. Lepas tu dia tak deal dengan courier lagi terus dia telefon customer. Bila customer tanya macam2 dia jawab, tak tau la, tak tau la, padahal dia yang telefon. Nak suh customer settlekan masalah kita sendiri ke? Bodohnyeee. Sorry la tak penah jumpa bos macam ni. Takleh nak respect dah. Hari tu tolong dia pindah file dalam pendrive, lepas tu double confirm la nama pendrive dia, lepas tu dia jawap apa tau, "Tak adalah, orang bagi hadiah." Terkedu dua saat. Tapi aku anggap je la dia salah dengar. Hari tu dia tanya USB tu apa? USB KO TAK TAU KWSP KO TAK TAU! Apa ko tau? Suka buat kerja separuh jalan lepas tu nak cepat eh tak paham la, lantak ko. Sedih la dapat bos bodoh sangat ni. Paling bodoh antara yang bodoh, Hari tu husband dia datang office duduk atas kerusi dia lepas tu dia pergi duduk atas riba suami dia tu. EH BODOHNYE. Aku dah astagfirullahalazim dah. Tau pulak laki dia malu masalahnya dedua merenyam sangat nak gedik macam tu pergi la masuk bilik. Bodoh betul. Haih geram.
In conclusion, seek education supaya tak jadi bodoh dan tak menyusahkan orang regardless street smart or book smart. K bai. Aku harap dia retired hari esok.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
We were having pizza day yesterday. Because I ask for it. And he rarely didn't give what I ask. Only if it's not logic. Like dah tengah malam sangat sort of excuses. Of course I understand. It just that I'm weird and stubborn and too gedik sometimes. Lol.
So when we finished all the foods, I just (in joking manner) show him my dirty hand. Our house like so small. Sink are just less than 20 feets to go. I will go. After I finish sikit lagi movie, or sikit lagi part yang best, and pause it and go wash my hands. Then he go wash his hands. Then he come back to me, and he ask for my hand. He come with water in his hand and a piece of cloth. He then wet my hand then dry it with the cloth.
He done it to me before. But still. That was like the sweetest moment in my life. Like the sweetest. I wasn't intend to brags here. I just write to remind me one day. If things got to comfortable. When we no longer appreciate little things. I hope we will never be that version.
Then this morning. I always hungry when wakes up. So, I ask him to take me the leftovers from yesterday's. And he take it to me. Then after sometimes, he ask to me, nak air tak. I said, it's okay, I'll take it later. He then go to take the water tank and give it to me, when he doesn't even want to drink the water. I said BEST HUSBAND EVER. And he just laugh.
Are you happy baby? Cause I am.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
I scrolled down the facebook feeds, and suddenly there is this weird mix emotions.
I have 751 friends on facebook as for now way less then other's people. And goes my roommates in matric, in university, my classmates, my colleagues, my yada and yada.
And this feeling of I should and I should and what goes wrong, why we have drifted apart and bla bla and bla bla bla. I should always keep in touch with them. I should always care for them, and be there, and never be a stranger. We are now. We are awkward now.
My roommates in matric yang dulunya we talk about everything. Kita cakap pasal boyfriend masa sekolah, lelaki ni lelaki tu. Of how your heart is still with him. Of how you think the new guys is not handsome enough, and he cheats on you. And I'm with you when you know other guys. And how sweet you are, and how polite you are, and because of that many guys fall for you. And of how I looked up to you because you recite Al-Quran so beautiful, and how beautiful your eyes are.
I remember all of that. So I wonder what goes wrong. I see you at this one majlis, and we are just awkward. I go to your wedding and it's awkward. And we've been awkward since. And you like one of my friend that are so close to me.
And yesterday I meet a really great friend and so gentleman at it. And I think he's gonna be great being a husband. I was eating a piece of murtabak and then was trying to reach it sauce, then he take that and put it closer to me. Then I know he's a great guy. And he's not even trying hard. May Allah bring us to straight path. We've been blessed by a really bunch of great friends. Alhamdulillah. I'm so happy.
But missing Nadz and Pqah too. We hang out a lot before this. So it's kinda weird, not having that. Because I need my cycle too. Iwan has been really great partner for me so far, but still I need that cycle. Guess I'll need to find new friends here. Lol.
Life's been great and wonderful, Melaka is good. And marriage is not so bad either. But to have to start again, that point, and not knowing where to start, it kinda get me stuck here. I don't know. At some times, I just keep watching One Tree Hill so I didn't have to think about what I should be. I guess, I don't know. I can't guess anything. It hasn't been two months yet. Maybe that why I've yet seriously find a job. But seriously, now this moment really is I don't know. So let's just drop the topic.
Or maybe, no not maybe. I work best under pressure. Because these days, life is good and we not that desperate financially, maybe that is why I'm like this. Oh, I'm not discussing this.
I miss those heart conversation. Those long conversation. That conversation. But I guess she doesn't want to I don't know.
I never ever want to be awkward with you guys.